To Kiss or Not to Kiss?
There’s more to Portuguese greetings than just what you say, so let’s talk about the cultural aspect as well, plus some other phrases that may come up during introductions. There is quite a bit of variability in appropriate greetings within different contexts, so you can’t rely on any strict rules, but we’ll cover some of the general expectations of kissing etiquette in Portugal. This is a very subtle aspect of communication that you’ll get more comfortable with over time.
Informal Contexts
In informal contexts, generally two kisses on the face are exchanged between a man and a woman or between two women. Meanwhile, men usually shake each other’s hands, which we call aperto de mãohandshake . Another common term is passou-bem , as in Dá aí um passou-bem!Give me a handshake!,
When kissing, we always give our right cheek first and then the left. These so-called “kisses on the face” are often not actually on the face. Some people, usually women, bring their lips close to the face to kiss lightly, but most of the time, we just touch cheek to cheek and make the sound, kissing the air.
Some people choose to just give one kiss on the face instead of two. This is particularly true of people with a certain higher social and economic status.
Before or during any of these Portuguese greetings, what is said depends on the context and our level of intimacy with the other person. For example, friends and acquaintances can say a Tudo bem?Everything's all right? , a question that is often more rhetorical, similar to how What’s up? or How’s it going? can be used in English.
Meeting for the First Time
In case you meet someone for the first time, you can choose to say Olá, sou o João, prazerHello, I'm João, pleasure with the prazer part being short for prazer em conhecê-lopleasure to meet you (speaking to male) / prazer em conhecê-lapleasure to meet you (speaking to female)
Large Groups
Greeting someone physically is widely used, but it’s optional, of course. With large groups, it might be preferable to just say boa tardegood afternoon or a Então, tudo bem?So, everything good? than spending a minute kissing and reaching out to everyone. It may also happen that we meet someone more shy and less comfortable with physical greetings. When in doubt, wait for the other person to move forward with the hand or take the first step.
Greeting Family
Regarding greetings between family members, they vary a lot. For many families, they’re the same as those between friends, but with probably more hugs involved. For others, kissing is the chosen greeting between male family members instead of handshakes.
Professional Contexts
In a professional context, a handshake is the form of greeting used by both men and women. Among men, the handshake is always more firm than between a man and woman, and you can even expect a strong shake from someone more enthusiastic.
Very informative, thanks !
This is great – thanks!
I don’t feel estranged after reading about Portuguese greeting rituals. In an Arab context, we do greet in the same way,be it with friends, family or professionals.
I always wondered if people were really kissing each other! Thanks!
Good to know when and who to kiss and how many times ! xx
Very informative. When kissing, I was never sure which cheek to give first.
I probably don’t know one soul that hasn’t had an ‘accident’ at some point because of giving/getting the wrong cheek first 🙂
You are always on top of updating your lessons and references to keep up with current events and practices, such as pandemic impact. Absolutely love your product and PLEASE keep it up! And, for what it’s worth, you should share (or partner) with other language teachers (i.e. French, Spanish, German, etc.) to replicate your service. You really do have something very special here, and I hope that in the next year or so I will be proficient enough to type all this in Portuguese! Bom dia!
Your words “something special” are spot on.
What was the impact of the pandemic on kissing etiquette? That part is gone now, but still relevant to my interests.
With the pandemic, we entered the era of awkward elbow bumps! But I’d say that nowadays, the average person has already fully returned to our old ways 🙂
Thanks, that’s helpful!
*awkward elbow bump*
COVID was a relief to me in terms of greetings. I’m from Sweden, and Nordic people are much more reserved. Quite often (before the pandemic) I would forget the kissing and give a lady/woman/girl the hand instead. It got a bit awkward at times.
Haha I have to agree with this. Now it’s much easier to decide how to greet someone. Even after almost a decade, it still feels very intimate to lean into someone’s face to kiss them on the cheek, and feels very forced (which makes sense since we aren’t natives to the culture). A slightlty-less-awkward elbow tap with a “COVID, you know how it is!” smile seems much simpler 😉
Nice, always helpfull to know what’s common locally. So what do we do as gay men (post-covid…)? Follow the girls with the double face kiss? Or will that make people faint? 🙂
Haha this is a great question. You’re right, it’s not heteronormative for males to do the double-cheek kiss, aside from sons and fathers greeting each other. So men greeting each other this way will probably have onlookers making assumptions about their sexuality. But hey, this is 2021! If anyone is uncomfortable, that’s their issue to sort out. Maybe they need to see more of these simple displays of affection to expand their horizons a bit. This kind of sweet gesture between 2 male friends is the kind of thing that can help move things forward and also encourage others to be more brave and open. If straight teens can be snogging on park benches for hours without having someone come spray a firehose on them, I think the culture is ready for two men doing the cheek kiss as a greeting, even if it’s considered less “traditional”.
Of course, it’s absolutely fine whether one decides to “blend in” or not, since we are all at a different stages of self-acceptance and out-ness (definitely not a word). My understanding is that (like pretty much anywhere else), in Portuguese cities, non-heteronormative-activity is more easily accepted for than if you’re living in a very rural area where a lot more folks are closeted. In Lisbon, Rui and I have never really had any problems, even while being out in publicly taking care of our baby daughter. And that’s all thanks to others who came before us who were brave enough to challenge these types of heteronormative traditions! “Beijinhos!”
As I was reading, I was hoping you would add something in regards to Covid times and I appreciate you adding that at the end. As someone who is very much use to the traditional ways of meeting people in Portugal with kisses and such, I was interested to know how people are greeting one another now in Portugal since I have not been back since the pandemic started. Obrigada!
I really had to laugh about the kissing between gentlemen it brought back a memory from a long time ago. Many Italian men certainly those from southern Italy kiss on the cheek at greeting each other much like Arab men often do too in the Middle East. So at a birthday party I attended there were some Portuguese guy friends who were very confused by all this on meeting some Italian guys. It was a good memory so thank you. Their expressions were priceless !
In the US and Canada there is *never* any kissing, not as part of the typical informal greeting ritual at least. Just handshakes and hugs, and a lot of people are uncomfortable even with hugging.
Husbands/wives and boyfriends/girlfriends kiss of course in greeting, but usually on the lips, not the cheek.
COVID definitely threw a kink in all of this though. Hopefully things will get back to normal someday soon…
Your step by step to the language is a delight. My wife and I are looking for the basics since we just relocated to this wonderful country.
Thank you to answer my ever query if I kiss on the right or left cheek first. I even ended up by almost kissing the other person on the mouth…I am German and greetings with hugs had only started some years back to be sadly stopped for vovid.
I love the honesty and informality of all the above discussions, especially about the heteronormative traditions and the invitation to ‘stretch’ the norms. Thanks for your thorough information and generous spirit here xx
(And that’s on both cheeks!)
Is texting ‘beijos’ a usual way of ending a message? What context is it used for (eg. Friend/close friend/elderly/family/strangers)?
Olá Joy!
That’s a very interesting question.
In fact, sending “beijos” by the end of a message is very intimate. People usually use it when texting loved ones such as family members and friends. It’s a very informal way of ending messages. And it’s usually from women to men/women and from men to women. A man can also send it to another man, if they’re either father/son, brothers, married, lovers or very open minded friends! Otherwise, men would just send a single hug: “Abraço”.
When people text just a single Beijo, that could mean a more intimate and passionate kiss. Note that it could be! Not a rule though!
So, if you’re sending a professional message, ending it with “beijos” wouldn’t be very professional of you. It would seem weird on the other end. It would be nice of you, just not appropriate.
Cheers (not beijos, because I keep it professional!),
Luís
I also take Portuguese lessons twice a week via Skype from a wonderful Portuguese native. She has started ending communications with “Beijinhos”. This is “little kisses”, correct?
Correct! It’s a cute and very common – and informal – way of sending love and saying “goodbye!”. It does not have romantic implications! It’s just something you’d send to someone you feel comfortable with: family, friends, close people in general.
That’s a detailed explanation, Luís! Appreciate it. Muito obrigada. 🙂
i’m enjoing learning portugues as my forth language in your website, you made it easier for me, thank you.
I am confused – when we are talking to a man it ends one way o and talking to female ends in a –
If I understood that correctly, what about the scenarios where you are just not sure if they are male/female or if they look female, but identify as male. I certainly wouldn’t want to offend someone.
Great question! But also a tough one. Unfortunately there are many instances when specifying a gender is unavoidable in the Portuguese language. It has become the subject of debate and some groups are recommending gender-neutral alternatives, but these are not widely accepted yet.
Luckily in this case, whether you know someone’s gender or not, you could always say “Muito prazer” or just “Prazer”. In other contexts, you could try to reword your statement to avoid adjectives, for example. When asking a question you could say something like “Gosta de café?” instead of “A senhora gosta de café?”, which is common anyway. Basically, there’s not an easy answer, so you sometimes have to get creative to avoid specifying gender.
You may also be able to pick up on how someone identifies by listening to how they speak. If you hear them use “o” endings in obrigado, etc, then they are more likely to be comfortable being referred to as a male. (That said, it’s hard to say for sure since there are not established alternatives.)
Thank you so much! I have never known the kissing etiquette and had a few mishaps along the way!! Also just using ‘prazer’ rather than the whole phrase will make life a lot easier.
what is the “post covid” procedure For greetings….
— first time introductions ?
— greeting known acquaintances ?
That’s still hard to determine, since it’s all so recent! Many people are back to pre-covid greetings, handshaking, hugging or cheek-to-cheek kissing in informal situations. In a more formal context most people are still using the fist bump greeting or using normal handshakes or, sometimes, just greeting from a close distance.
Indeed, it’s even more confusing post-pandemic than pre-pandemic as people seem to be at different stages of returning to normal.
I find this to be very true in my every day life in portugal!
obrigado,great lesson. im glad the masks are out of the way, to be able to see people speaking, And smiling.
Very well done and interesting.
How thoughtful to include the cultural tips! Awkward moments evaded!
Very nice and wonderful lesson.
You guys have this down. I´ve worked with some pretty good apps and YouTubers, and have been doing formal small group learning for the past six weeks. I´m not yet ready to say this is better than the live sessions, but it surpasses the others easily in its pacing, real-world scenarios, and inclusion of both grammar and vocabulary. I can only speak to the introductory session at this time, but the approach is fantastic as an adjunct to my live sessions.
Love the additional tips on Portuguese culture. Thank you.
was never shre re the kissing–thanks for clearing that up!
Some of these words here are learned already, but some are completely new to me. I like the language and the pronounciation how it is spoken from the portuguese people. With this alone, I can learn a lot to not make too much mistakes by a conversation.
I have a problem with my short term memory, but I feel confidant that I will do ok because of the way you presented your lesson. Thanks you for including the info on greetings. My daughter and I have already done the kissing one when she came for a visit!
What an interesting blog post, thank you! As an American who has lived in several places that greet by kissing (France, Italy, Spain, Germany), it something I’m comfortable with but sometimes have to laugh at HOW MANY kisses and the level of enthusiasm (or not) required. It can vary drastically between different areas of the country, or as you mentioned, depending on who you are greeting. For example in Paris, it’s usually two kisses (one on each cheek) and more ‘air kisses’ (no actual contact). That’s unless your friends are French of Africa origin, where it seemed to be at least three kisses and sometimes four or five. In the south, there’s more likely to be an actual kiss vs the air variety, and more often the three, not two,.,but not always. I’ve learned to just be prepared! 😉 One commenter said people don’t kiss in Germany, but in southern Germany (lower Bavaria) they absolutely do, both for hello and goodbye. Sometimes in a group of people, the greetings take longer than the actual conversation!
Thank you again – just started the course and finding it so well-done and fun!
Muito obrigado por isto! The kissing tips will come in handy, as well as the “blanket” prazers!! I find it fascinating how handshake etiquette varies between cultures. Here in Canada’s North, the Dene use a very soft handshake (“nila wheto”) and I’m constantly checking myself to adjust my grip
This was great! I’m from Puerto Rico and we have the same etiquettes when meeting people so much fun to see how much we have In common in that respect.
Well written! Keep up the good work.
Does it come across as rude to decline a kiss? What would be the most polite way to do this? The only time I went to Spain I had a problem with one particular man insisting on this ritual and it was so awkward.
Since it’s a cultural thing I’d say yes, it may be taken as a little rude. However, no one should insist on kissing you if you don’t want it! No doubt about that. It’s your body, your choice, your intimacy! The most polite way to decline a kiss would be to – quickly and assertively – reach out for a handshake before letting the other person get into your personal space.
Great!
Wonderful first lesson. Excited to lean more
As a total beginner,I have just started and am in the midst of the first lesson. Totally enjoy it! Thanks for this wonderful opportunity to learn Portuguese!
Always important to understand these social rules and nuances. If you get it right it makes everyone feel comfortable 👍
I am having trouble with the different endings when one is a man speaking to a man and a women. It seems like it can depend both on whether you are speaking as a man such as when saying Boa Tarde or if you are speaking to a man or woman (sorry can’t find an example of this right now).
For adjectives and other gender-variable terms (e.g. definite/indefinite articles), the gender depends on the ‘reference’ noun, and this reference isn’t necessarily the speaker or listener.
For example, in “boa tarde”, the reference noun is ‘tarde’ (feminine), so this particular expression is not at all dependent on the speaker/listener’s gender – everyone uses it in the same way. On the other hand, if we want to thank someone, our own gender as speakers will determine whether we say “Obrigado” or “Obrigada”, because the speaker is the reference — in a literal interpretation, it’s like saying that *we* feel obliged to the other person. Finally, if we want to describe or compliment someone, the listener will be the reference, so we align the endings with their gender. So, we say, for example, “és muito bonito” to a man, but “és muito bonita” to a woman.
Wow! Thank you, thank you. I thought I was going crazy. This helps so much. So glad I found Practice Portuguese.
Russ